Mixed messages: Dustin Hoffman, right, in Tootsie...
Hello Friends!
As a militant troublemaker, I once wrote that it was the duty of every woman worthy of the description to upset men at least three times a day, on principle.
I remain a committed feminist, but, as I grow older, I increasingly find myself pondering the wise words of Professor Higgins in My Fair Lady. He asked why women couldn’t be more like men, who were so ‘pleasant’ and easy to please.
‘Men are so decent, such regular chaps, ready to help you through any mishaps,’ argued the professor.
In fact, with the passing of time, I have met so many second-rate women and so many thoroughly excellent men that I can no longer cling to the certainties of my youth when it comes to the genders.
Below are the ways in which I believe men conduct themselves far better than women. I firmly believe my own gender could improve itself by imitating men, and by taking careful note of this list.
1: Men aren't perfectionists:
Last month a survey revealed that women spend nearly three times as long as men wrapping gifts. How pointless is that, when the wrapping is going to be torn off as soon as the gift has been opened? Clever men, I say.
I once witnessed two women come to blows over the last family-size pork pie in a Brighton M&S, even though there were numerous smaller ones on the shelves.
Why couldn't they just buy a few of the smaller ones instead? As any self-respecting man would say, they taste exactly the same after all.
2: Men don't seek solace in mindless pampering:
Relaxing? Getting preened to look good can be hard work...
When a man wants to relax, he will slob out and REALLY relax. Or he will pursue a hobby — anything from building models to watching sport.
Women, more often than not, do things which aren’t remotely relaxing but are all about preening, which is just another sort of work.
They will slog through packed clothing stores which leaves them feeling fat and frumpy, or spend hours being tweaked by younger women whose beauty leaves them feeling plainer than ever.
While pretending to indulge women, the pampering and clothing industries actually imply that women are so revolting in their natural state that even their ‘me time’ must be dedicated to turning themselves into living dolls. And then the bills arrive! Mmm, REALLY relaxing.
3: Men don't tell tales out of bed:
Women like to pretend that men are sex-crazed, indiscreet oafs. Odd, then, that — even after a few drinks — most men would never dream of sharing intimate secrets with their friends about a woman’s sexual performance, complete with ribald laughter, sound-effects, leering and jeering. Yet women frequently do this.
Maybe men don’t do it because they reckon it would make them look stupid to put up with someone who doesn’t do it for them in bed.
And they’d be right.
4: Men don't make checklists for love:
Sure, men may have a type. They will also have a fantasy figure.
But they’re unlikely to sit around with their mates making check-lists of what they require from a real, live woman. If a man did this, he’d be labelled a sexist pig.
But many women find it perfectly acceptable to keep a checklist of the qualities they require from a man: tall, handsome, successful, rich.
I’ve noticed that the women who do this most are the women who end up with no man at all. Still, they can always cuddle up to their lovely warm lists on a cold night. Ladies: if you are not rich, successful or a raving beauty, it makes no sense to demand — or imagine — you’ll get a man who is. Be more like men; keep your fantasy figures as just that, and settle for a real, flawed playmate.
5: Men don't tell friends they love them:
The Lambrini is flowing, the popcorn’s popping and Adele is bellowing like an elk with PMT. Could anything possibly go wrong on this cosy Girls’ Night In?
YES! At some point, one drunken woman will tell another that she loves her. And not in a sweet, stumbly, ‘you’re-my-best-mate-you-are’ kind of way.
No, this will be a full-on declaration of devotion which has been brewing for years. Failure to reciprocate with equal gushiness will lead to a Jeremy-Kyle-level of anger, and the holding of tragic sub-teen grudges.
6: Men don't drone on about diets:
At this time of year, especially, many women forsake the beauty of their mother-tongue in favour of speaking in Weight-ese.
Any inquiries as to their feelings about the Euro, post-Modernism or the conflict in Syria will be met with the assertion that they are a fat mess and must lose the weight pronto or die within six weeks. It’s such a boring topic that anyone who indulges in it should be sent to Coventry.
That’s what men would do.
7: Men don't confuse clinginess with commitment
Lots of women love to accuse men of being immature when the fellow in question displays a reluctance to ‘commit’.
I fail to understand what is childish about being self-sufficient, and showing understandable reluctance to throw oneself into a smothering relationship with someone who’s obviously unhappy and over-needy.
Basic need: For women it's all about scented candles and massages, for men, it's just sex.
8: Men don't mistake sex for romance:
Sex is, generally, a rather basic thing. Yet, somewhere along the line, some women have adopted the notion that sex should be akin to a trip to Disneyland on gossamer wings for a playdate with Barbie.
Women seem to think sex should be about communicating, sharing, scented candles, two-hour massages, three-hour role-play, kissing, cuddling and then . . . that other thing, if you must.
Men believe that sex is about having sex, the rotters.
9: Men don't witter about being 'strong':
We’ve all seen those adverts which portray women as multi-tasking martinets and men as barely-sentient slackers.
They exist because of the annoying habit certain women have got into over the past two decades of striding around announcing that they are ‘strong women’ and winning a round of applause from their friends.
If a man announced that he was a ‘strong man’, his mates would, quite rightly, want to see him tear a telephone directory in half with his bare hands, or pull a tractor along with his teeth.
10: Men don't over think things:
What X said to Y about you. What Y said to you. What Z thinks of you. Any man who went around obsessing over the minutiae of daily interaction with his peer group, the way some women do, would immediately be identified by his mates as a raving nutter and exiled forthwith.
Yet women frequently use this endlessly repetitive tittle-tattle as a way to ‘bond’.
NO ONE CARES! If you can’t be informative or inspiring, keep quiet. And if you can’t say anything nice about anyone . . . come and sit next to me.
Culled from The Daily Mail UK.
xoxo
Simply Cheska...
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