Let Me Mourn...

Hello Friends

I have indeed spoken to many good people and even doctors about my pain/grief and they all feel that since I am good at expressing myself in words, I could also get a quick closure if I write. The morning started just like every other Thursday morning. I woke up at my usual 4:am, prayed, slept at about 4;45am to wake up again at 5:am…Not a good routine, but  it works well for me.

My routine of a quick cold shower and arrangements of work stuffs all in one hour, started just as normal with no sign of any impending tragedy…. But I did feel something odd…I just couldn’t get my make up right! This is quite strange as it has never happened before.

Then the phone rang and this again, was another strange thing- no one ever calls me that early in the morning on a week day! What the hell was going on? I was already afraid and sick to my stomach. It was Tami my sister who was staying at Lekki with a friend doing her Entrepreneur course at the Lagos Business School.

I answered the phone with shaky hands and the voice at the other end was in so much pain…Lawyer (a nick name my family calls me) daddy don die! Simply put, Lawyer, Daddy is dead!

I cannot explain even until now what happened to me…..I just screamed my guts out and fell to the ground!!!! I can still hear my screams deep in my head even now…..Damy and Alany (my other sisters who were in the other bedroom in the three bedroom apartment we all shared together, heard my scream and started crying…..

A DAY EARLIER

Daddy had been sick for almost two weeks now and it all came and went so fast…No one could explain it. Yes, I do admit that he is (was) a stubborn man, but he was the love of my life. I cherish him even until death. Daddy’s stubbornness always made sense but not at the expense of his own life.  He had been transferred from a general hospital in Delta State to a private and specialist hospital in Benin City Edo State. Our very own family hospital.  He was responding to all necessary treatments and the prognosis was good.

As I walked home from my estate gate (2^nd November 2011), I felt happy that daddy would be fine and I would be able to break the good news of my UK Visa and job promotion to him. I was to resume in January in one of the Eastern Units of my Company in a new exciting role! This was huge and so exciting for all of us especially me… Daddy and I have been discussing the possibilities of my company sending me abroad to work…He believed so much in me and felt I deserved the change and boost..

Now that it has finally happened, I just couldn’t wait to tell daddy…I quickly called Dr Dan who told me calmly that daddy was sleeping and in good shape. He said daddy had just been given injections and needed to sleep. He was hopeful that by morning I would be able to speak to him. That morning never came. Mummy advised I wait until daddy was strong enough, but I know daddy better…His strength was in his mind not his body, he would be able to take the news and understand with me, my plans for taking care of my siblings while away in East Africa. But he never ever got that chance. WHY?

As I arrived home that night, my sisters and I all laughed and rejoiced about my UK Visa (to attend a business meeting for my Unit in UK) It was exciting and we laughed and for a moment, I was thankful to God for giving us that moment together as a family. Every other member of my family, was just a phone call away so, we all shared in the bliss and basked in the happiness…

3^rd November 2011

If any of us had known that by 5am the next morning, the same time I woke up, daddy would be no more, we would have…I don’t know maybe done something different? Why do I still keep blaming myself? Maybe I should have travelled earlier and not wait till the brief Islamic holidays to visit Benin to see him in the hospital? Just maybe…But  Parker, Pearl, Sean and Mum were all in Benin City with him and he was in the best hospital…Why do I still blame myself????

My heart was ripped out of my chest, as I cried (I still cry), it is the most painful thing in the whole world! Loosing someone who meant the whole world to you…You never know how bad it feels, until you lose that person.  I cry now as I write this…Please don’t tell me not to cry, for it would make me feel better, don’t tell me not to blame myself, for I need to blame someone or something! I cannot blame God because He must have allowed it one way or the other! But why???

Don’t tell me that my crying/pain would never bring daddy back, I know that, but please leave me to it because it makes me appreciate every memory of him. Even our last conversation together in Delta State, still remains clear in my mind.

Don’t judge me, if I decide to mourn my daddy for as long as I want! Maybe a year! Maybe two years! If you have ever lost a loved one, someone that meant the whole world to you and stood by you at every point of your existence, then let me be.

Daddy is (was) a selfless man who put his life out there for his friends, family and even enemies….He always believed that everything he did was for the ultimate good and reward.  But alas! None of these friends are beside us right now! His family hates us! They rejoice over his death because now, he is no more to protect us…. So you see why you shouldn’t judge me? Let me mourn and see how God will fight for us and heal our pain…

If indeed the dead watches over their own, leave me to mourn and daily ask daddy to watch over us but fight for us…

Daddy, I love you and would never forget you. Don’t worry about us, you taught us well, we would stick together and help each other! You always wanted us to help each other and those around us…I will keep up to my promise to you…Rest in peace if you must but ensure we rejoice over our enemies.

The pain is still fresh but I hope it heals soon.

XOXO

Simply Cheska.